Unfoldment

As the days are clothed in ever new tasks still, slowly and silently, routine starts to immerge in my time at Vegetarium.
How familiarity wanders through this world, I’m not surprised to find old patterns clinging like a goblin to the leg of lagging routine –
I greet it like a tiring responsibility.
I found out, it calls itself „avoidance“ quite some time ago.
Most recognizable by immedeate inner freezing and internal search for balance by swaying to familiar tasks.
It comes with no surprise then to say, discipline and organization have never been my strength and admittedly also one of those weaknesses that I keep having to challenge continuously as not to be swallowed by the goblin of avoidance entirely.

It pains my heart to realize how much I miss out on the sensation of life with that as well.
Even though my head is stirring from trying to figure out which strings I need to play to move my heart.

I know, I will need to move through time and space this lifetime.

Being surrounded by different environments and engaging with the unfamiliar to some degree brings me joy.
Yet, sightseeing and adventure hunting does not truly reach my heart.

As a child I truly wanted to become an actress, touching deeply into emotions, travelling through them, changing shape and self, only to exit again from what I’ve never been and question reality in the end. Madness didn’t scare me, I was prepared for that. I didn’t want to do it for fame however, especially not by being guided by a brainwashed director that doesn’t understand the trancelike state acting can provoke. It’s an illusion that doesn’t need any hallucinogenic external influence and I still believe in it’s power, only haven’t found the environment to enter the magic stage.

Writing as well enticed me, but I fell into a perfectionistic trap, which kills words and befogs their meaning.
So I stopped writing altogether for a long while and by that cut my access to conscious processing.
Which I need and fort hat I am happy we’ve got to write these articles. For now I cannot care about who’s going to read them, because at least I can allow myself now to look inward.
Surely, I would like to develop that here.
Conscious intoperspection explored through different writing styles.
Forgetting about weight on my words, but mixing them up, enjoying the flow or their rattling tumbles as I type them on my keyboard.

That does remind me of the concept of any repressed state, showing up altered, with increased energy.

Maybe that’s how the complexity and multifacedness of mixed media and musical exploration reaches me so deeply.
There’s a strong desie for me to move more into the expressionistic area, yet still I am stuck on something that doesn’t allow me to move any further.
Some obstacle that I hope will be resolved over time.
I think it’s more inner wounding, which still pushes this dream into the realms of vagueness.

Beside that I am holding myself back in the awareness that some detail is not quite right for me to move along:
With all the colours that I love to see in the world, it’s easy for me to foretell their fading in a tragedy human sorrow, if we take them for granted and don’t allign them with our natural environment.
I I start exploring and experimenting, I will take up resources from my environment.
I will have to step out of my provider role and trust that I will be cared for.
Literally.
Not psychoanalytically anymore.
Because, if I take from the world, and our earth has limited resources, how do I create in that?
Delving into LandArt? It is meditative.
I do like strong colours though! That by itself is not enough!
So how to combine it?

I live by intention and refuse to live in a way that I believe causes harm.
Only that it’s easy to be manipulated into believing many things.

That got me stuck in the mud of unknown for way too long.
Yet, they spread „think before acting“.

I deeply believe, cognitive dissonance is like the synthesis between thesis and antithesis.
Life arguing with itself and going for neither option –
instead, throwing it all tot he wind and finding another path.
An endless spiral of dysatisfaction and hopeful curiosity.

In that regard, it’s interesting to observe my attention taking on new shapes here,
when suddenly everything becomes important,
as fire hungrily flickers in the oven, wanting to be fed and helping to feed us.

At the same time fire is grappling for attention with water,
as the plants yearn for droplets to drink under the still visiting sun.
Everything is reaching out for health and stability.
Engagement, connection.
Sometimes I want to opt out.
And othertimes to dive so deeply to create all anew by my own learnings.
Even thouth that might be just another expression of duality.
I barely learnt how to stay somewhat alive within a society that is nonetheless unhealthy.

How do I transform into a living being in an environment, which tries to top itself in healthy habits?

Because right now, my coping strategies still burn down to what’s fairly destructive.

I drink coffee, when having to do difficult tasks or such that I find not motivation for.
For too long  chocolate has been connected to softening my anger and rage,
which shoots through my veins, every time I try to look for a lostconnection.
Cognitive dissonance and double empathy isn’t recognized and divison stays,
my view feels unrecognized and diminished, so I don’t feel the need to engage.
Which leeds me to…
Sleep – the only state I feel accepted in to not participate (consciously).
Now we can go deep.
Because that’s the avoidance that hits my consience:
My personal responsibilty towards my own actions.

I guess that’s why I might be so keen about coming back to myself.
It is so vital for me to realize, where I am, so I can create from there.

When and how can I stay in my own energy?
What is my own energy?
When do I connect it to the outer world and when do I keep it for myself?

These questions are so necessary.

I don’t believe my journey into this direction is a singular one, either,
which is why I choose to publish it.

We all carry gifts that serve to enrich the world.
even if that means to take on the nasty job to tear old structures down to rebuild new ones.
Not because new necessarily is better.
Instead maybe because it’s time for a change, so we can reach different realms.
Difficult though to hold the balance and remember and preserve the valuable foundations of the past on which history is build and allows us to thrive.
It’s a circle. Calm your mind.

There’s no escape from any unlearned lessons anyway…

My heart knows it has to learn for sure – that it has closed some doors to shut out all the pain it felt and could guess would continue. But how else to grow, than by reconnecting, asking for forgiveness and guidance in newfound strength?

Many times I have been guided to find beauty in what I deem ugly.
To question the judgement I soak up from my environments.
So far, I have barely truly understood, why I continue doing things I dislike and slipping into various roles, which make not even sense to me.
Yet, now I’m wondering, whether maybe what I’m trying to reveil by laying open my own ugly sides is: horse dung.
Maybe my soul is trying to help me become a fertilizer to help my environment grow, even though I might not always be pleasant. For myself and others.
So perhaps, growing in appreciation for myself can genuinely help me absorb what I need,
so I can serve my environments better.
(Which has been an advise I’ve heard a couple of times this week, only coveyed in different words)

Growing up, I learnt to present myself in a way that is tolerable for others to bear –
only going out and leaving the house when I was „okay enough“ –
again, I don’t see this as therapy session,
but as an opportunity to connect with those (maybe they are few in number, I cannot tell,
but those experiences bear a weight that might lighten, when shared).

Here, in between thorns in my hair, soil on my clothes and horse dung,
I do get to surrender to what I cannot hide anymore.
It is a freeing experience.

 

Yet simply being put into an environment that has managed to follow certain practices,
doesn’t help me access more serence and balanced layers or open my heart right away.

I’m technically in my fourth week and I’m still working on my personal challenge to drink two liters a day.
There’s no thinking of getting up early in the morning to follow morning practices,
even though I’m sure they would help.
It’s those internal barriers that keep me stuck.
„If I don’t help x with y, they will be upset and that I have to balance again,
because the mood drops and….“ Mind blank.
Which is why I put mind first, even though I continue to get told I am thinking to much.

That’s a boundary for me!

Such exclamations hinder my growth and appeal for me to stop my development as not to get into the way of their needs and plans.

Whose to judge though on which dreams and whose growth is more important?

How to organize a group so there’s equal access to growth for everyone?

What even means growth?
Where do the pictures come from that make us strive towards anything?
I dislike that!
That’s why I want to develop my exploration skills and meditate more.
I need to become one with myself,
so I feel my inner compass, so I can feel the moment and create from there with or without impulse.

And it does raise the question of how to manage living in a community
– (and even more in a society) –
with your full and rich inner life full of people with full rich inner lives?

Especially when your inner life is full of conflict
and needs working through before being able to connect with the outer world?

I constantly feel I carry a lot of Karma within me, which I want to learn to clarify.
And still, there is so much poisonous interaction that comes out of me, when I follow this path.
I want to protect my environment from that.
Only that this will make everything worse.
So I try to diffuse things slowly.
Which makes me unbearingly slow.
Yet that’s the only way I see to balance what I carry within.

Here, I become aware of what I was able to guess before, but didn’t make space to see:
where my heart has been closed and shut off, where it doesn’t find air to breathe,
where it’s afraid to feel into.

And I hope to, step by step tap into some re-connection again, sense what it needs to gain in inner strength and bravery to work through my fears.
What I would genuine like is to rebalance a grow back what I built barriers against.

In that sense I am glad to experience not being comfortable here and learing to accept some things I hoped for not working out.
It‘s pretty strengthening to observe, that at the end of the day, a good nights sleep can resolve many a discomfort of the day.

That, mayhaps, is some form of rapid growth though and part of creation:
To see what is.
Coming up with what would be nice to have and to reach –
while already allowing oneself to heal from what might not be realised.
Being okay with the moment and allowing oneself the chance to make space for what is good.

There’s a book in the library here that mentioned something along the lines of:
„Imagine the unpleasant to be a burning ring of emotional fire and on the other side someone who might benefit from you walking through it and maybe helping them.“
I like this line of thinking how doing an unpleasant task for the group might help others.

I believe, I’d like to develop the skill to surrender and to serve in ways that feel aligned with my path.

To do justice to my teenage self and honour it for what it went through, I did  find a quote,
which I would have loved to write down ten years ago.
So I will do that now:

„To love someone is firstly to confess: i’m prepared to be devastated by you.“
~ by A History of My Brief Body by Billy-Ray Belcourt

What that means to me in this moment of time is
to surrender (yet not succumb) to the pain of this world with compassion
and to give myself to each moment as it comes with an open heart,
so I can start loving life –
not only to survive it.

I’m sure I can learn from my fellow surrounding souls
how to enter that path with awareness of luring attachments.

Maybe I’ll even start some Yogi, Ayurvedic path.
(I guess I’ll have to meditate on that…)

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~ by Michelle B.