I know myself as a runner.

Not because I’m particularly fast.

Just that I run from my past.

Nothing unheard of.

So always I’m on the look for a way out.

And I still subscribe to that basic idea.

But.

Maybe there turned a lever inside of me that thinks that shifting my weight to the attempt of making a bond work, might in fact make a difference.

So I try.

I’m a clinger, too.

I hold on too long and make things work that are beyond their past time.

I over-balance on my part as the half doesn’t give a flying frog dancing like a fish on a line.

I learn to let go.

And with that I learn to balance.

What I learnt is that the universe does balance for me in one way or the other, if I truly cannot,yet.

I am learning to stay with the discomfort.

I’m wondering of I’ll get to learn to leave from my own impulse, if a boundary is crossed.

I tie myself to illusions

And don’t want to see the real painful consequences.

I build on flying castles as not to suffer in the abyss of my wrenching little heart that i tried to put to silence.

How to surrender.

1.Notice cognitive dissonance.

Where belief within you meets contradictory conviction.

The small cage of the chicken is miserable.

I hate it. I hate being with the chicken.

Seeing them hurt and full of their own shit.

I am not skilled or confident enough to build another coop. Right now is not the time.

Yet, I love eggs.

So I enjoy what they offer.

And having them here at least promises them not being injected with hormone.

Yet, their way of living is still by far from ideal as to free my conscience. Which I am not contributing to relieving as of yet.

2.Feel the pain and the conflict.

Allow it to rub off its edges. Allow it to hurt in all the right places.

2 1/2

Feel like crying? Go for it. Might actually reluebe some stress and help you think more clearly. Feel.anger? Move to step 3

3. Experiment with one side or another. Remove the inner shame and judgement. I trust my inner compass.

Would I be okay living without eggs?

When not living here and with less stress and easier access to low effort food: yes.

But that demands finding safe food that are healthy enough and easy to grab, when in low energy.

I still don’t believe in condemning unhealthy as it counts for me at least as an attempt to provide nurture, which I want to recognise.

But still something to consider for sure.

With all the stress here that’s out of question anyway. No chance!

So now I know that eggs are vital to me under current conditions.

4. Compromise.

Try to integrate from both what you enjoy so that you are energized in a balanced way.

I want eggs. I choose eggs. But I still feel guilty about the chicken. And with their coop in winter positioned so high and me being tiny, it’s ever so much more exhausting.

So what can I do in a week of chicken care?

Take on the laundry task to have control over my need of cleaning what grosses me out.

Take on very few other tasks so I can concentrate on learning to be more okay with the task.

Provide access to cleaning gloves and shoes.

Provide access to shower.

Then allow chicken to walk longer than asked for.

And keep in mind to either never ever hold chicken myself or at least build a coop that I can take care of with my size.

With that I can be okay enough.